Starting School: Why your child is exhausted – and how we can help.

A very common thing I’m hearing at the moment is, ‘they are absolutely exhausted’ and I'm also saying this too - starting school is such a big mile stone.

I know, as a parent, that my daughter is completely exhausted, and the truth is, so are the teachers probably and parents. September flew by, but it also feels like the longest month ever!

We expect a lot from children, don’t we? There is lots of talk about whether they can recognise their name, count to ten, hold a pencil, put their coat on, use the toilet and recognise some sounds. We know these are important and we can be preoccupied with these things before our children start school, but there is so much more than this.  

When a four- or five-year-old walks through the school gates for the first time, into a new classroom, they are processing so much. Not forgetting that they might have left behind a nursery, friends and their previous teachers, leaving their familiar home environment. Their world has just expanded and it’s now much larger!

If we think about it for a moment, they are learning new routines, expectations, making new friendships, getting used to new adults, learning how to manage their emotions, become familiar with new instructions – how to sit on the carpet, perhaps hold up their hand, how to get changed for PE, where they keep their jacket, water bottle. This is all happening while at the same time working towards milestones and learning at school!

Rightfully so, The Department for Education’s 2026 guidance recognises starting Reception as a significant milestone for children and families and emphasises that effective transition is about helping children feel safe, confident and ready to learn. But, importantly they make the point that for this to happen it requires partnership between families, early year settings and schools.

If your child is coming home exhausted, emotional, unable to regulate themselves, it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong, it probably means that they have worked incredibly hard all day at school, not just with learning but with everything else they are trying to remember.

Lets unpick this a bit more – why might they be so tired?

The children are now having to sit still and listen, when they would rather move.

·      They may need to remember instructions.

·      Manage their frustrations when things don’t go their way.

·      Concentrate on a story, recognising and blending sounds.

·      Learn how to share

These are not small things for a 4 or 5 year old. Self regulation is closely connected to attention and memory. This is why the children are so tired.

When they return home, the emotions ooze out.

If we think about this, home is familiar and safe – this is where the child (who might have had a great day) then lets the emotions out and has a huge melt-down. They might have simply run out of emotional energy.

What can parents do?

1.     Remember the power of simply resting.

They may want to do absolutely nothing. Maybe they need a cuddle, a snack, watch TV..

2.    Protect bedtime routines as much as possible – a predicable bedtime routine will help a child to settle and be ready for sleep.

3.    Try to not turn the journey home into an interview with lots of questions. We want to know everything. But imagine being asked those questions after an eight-hour working day.

4.    Maybe something gentler will work?

‘Im glad to see you’,  would you like a snack?  Do you want to speak about your day? Or, don’t ask anything at all.

5.    Read together – without making it a test. Take it in turns to read, look at the pictures, read to your child.

6.    Give them space to talk about feelings. Naming feelings helps children begin to understand what is happening inside. Statements such as ‘it sounds like that was frustrating’ can help.

Starting school is not a one-day event, the process takes time and some children settle very quickly, for some it might take longer, some children settle immediately but are exhausted at home and some seem fine at first, but might struggle later on.

Maybe we need to change the question – when we ask ‘how is your child doing at school?’ We can sometimes mean, are they keeping up? Can they read? Are they behaving? I wonder whether we should be asking: ‘ are they enjoying learning? Have they formed some relationships? Do they feel like they belong?

As a parent, my daughter starting Reception has reminded me that as a teacher, I know, but that it can feel very different when you’re watching your own child go through it – but they are little people and sometimes, after a day of learning how to navigate their new world, what they need the most is not another learning opportunity – they need us.

Starting school is a big deal and if your Reception child is coming home exhausted, you are not necessarily seeing a child who is struggling. You may simply be seeing a child who is growing and adapting. And, tomorrow is another day.